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‘Haven’t I seen your face before?’ Judge Cleary demanded, looking down at the defendant.
‘Yes, you have, Your Honour,’ the man answered hopefully. ‘I gave your son piano lessons last winter.’
‘Ah, yes,’ recalled Judge Cleary. ‘Twenty years!’

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True story: In teaching a little girl piano, a teacher told her the intervals are called “little” and “big” (for minor/major). The teacher said, “see, minor sounds sad, major sounds happy”. The young girl replied, “I know why the minor 3rd is sad: because it’s little!”

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Top 5 Reasons Not To Play The Piano

5. More than any other instrument, your rear end will fall asleep.

4. You have to be tall enough to reach the brake pedals.

3. People will refer to you as a “penist”.

2. Your hands will become the size of golf umbrellas.

1. You only have to tune your instrument twice a year but it costs over a hundred dollars.

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Definition of a piano tuner: A person employed to come into the home, rearrange the furniture, and annoy the cat. The tuner’s chief purpose is to ascertain the breaking point of the piano’s strings.

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Piano Tuner: I’ve come to tune the piano.

Music Teacher: But we didn’t send for you.

Piano Tuner: No, but the people who live across the street did.

(Side note: Do your remember the TV show the Waltons? That had to be one of the most out-of-tune pianos I’ve heard but I guess that the producers were going for realism. – CB)

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True story: I used to now a piano tuner who would ask, “How does a piano tuner know when he is done tuning a spinet piano? He looks at his watch and if an hour has passed, he’s done.” (Spinets are notoriously hard to tune properly since the strings are so short – CB)

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A pianist and singer are rehearsing ‘Autumn Leaves’ for a concert and the pianist says, ‘OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third bar, modulate to B major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor.’

The singer answers, ‘Crikey, I don’t think I can remember all of that.’
The pianist replies, ‘Well, that’s what you did last time.’

True story: I used to know a band that would anticipate exactly where their lead singer would drop a beat in any given song so they would always sound tight. They couldn’t fire him since his name was on the marque – CB.

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Did you hear about the piano player who played in rhythm?

Neither did I.

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This piano is great for playing fat Jazz chords and hogging the spotlight. No? Okay, then how about you use this piano if you are “dis-gruntled” about your performance fee? Still no? Then how about the government bought a bunch of these for overseas embassies as part of a pork-barrel appropriation? I’d try to be a better joke writer but you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear – CB.

Guy in a bar says to the piano player, ” Do you know the way to the restroom?”

Piano player says, “No, but if you would hum a few bars I can fake it.” (rimshot!)

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Ever wonder why so few brass players also play piano?

It’s too hard to lift the piano on end to drain out the spit.

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One of the hazards of being the pianist:

People keep dropping money in your drinks.

Person Playing the Piano

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My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

“Oh,” said My Dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”

“How come?” I asked.

“Well,” he answered, “because with a clarinet, she can’t sing….

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What do you call a baby grand that is 80 years old with a cracked sound board, rusty strings, and missing keys?

Firewood.

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What’s the difference between a pianist and a large pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

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What’s the difference between a spinet piano and a Harley-Davidson?

We might be able to tune a Harley.

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What’s the difference between a piano accompanianist and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

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Why was the piano invented?

So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

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How many pianists does it take to change a light bulb? 12, one to change the bulb and 11 to stand around and complain that they could have done it better.

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An old musician was on his death bed and called his whole family together so that he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world. As the end drew near he motioned for them to come close.

“I have one thing I would like to confess before I go,” he said. They all drew closer. “It was me,” cough, wheeze, “I was the one,” he said as they leaned down as close as they could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper.

Gasp, cough, “I was the one,” cough, wheeze, “in the kitchen with Dinah…”

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Saint Peter is hosting a new arrivals mixer in heaven. “You all know that you were not saved by your good works on earth but they do refect the quality of your life there. I have your reports right here. Joe Smith? There you are. You made five million dollars while on earth and gave half away to missions. Well done!’

“Thank you,” Joe said.

“Marty Jones. Let’s see…you made a fortune in oil in Texas and you did good with the money while you were alive then left everything to Save the Children after you died. That helped a lot of kids. I like it.”

“Thank you, Saint Peter,” Marty said.

“Mark Cadenza…”

“Your appostleship sir, before you go on I’m afraid I never made more than $10,000 in my whole life.” Mark said dejectedly.

“Goodness!” said St. Peter with a grin. “Which instrument did you play?”

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An old priest, a hippy and a concert pianist were flying in a private plane. All of a sudden the engine stopped. The pilot came back and said, “Well, I guess I should have had them check the fuel before I took off. There are only three parachutes on this plane.” With that he grabbed one and jumped out the door. The concert pianist quickly grabbed up one, said, “I’m too talented and intelligent to waste my life,” and also jumped. The old priest said, “Son you take the last one. I’ve lived a good life and I will be with God.” The hippy said, “don’t sweat it pops. That intelligent pianist just jumped with my backpack.”